Cold Glow

(This is a poem I wrote as a new Christian struggling with temptations from my life before Christ. I was trying to put into words the struggle to be faithful and the shame I felt when I failed. As I read it now, about 15 years later, I realize how deceitful sin can still be no matter how long you have been a Christian.)

Don’t you see it? Every night its the same. It comes when you least expect it…creeping…crawling…scraping…invading your time, your space, your mind. Sounds scary doesn’t it? No, actually it’s warm…comforting…soothing…like grandma’s kitchen or your best friend’s room on a Saturday night sleep-over. Makes you feel like you can be silly, do mischievous things and get away with it. I wait eagerly…expectantly…it makes all the world go away for awhile…then, as soon as it comes…its gone. Then its all empty, like getting lost in a large building and ending up in the boiler room. Alone…a little scared and confused. It always leaves me like this…empty and alone…hurting…ashamed. I don’t know why I let it come in, into my room, my space, my mind. I get mad, mad at myself, mad at the world, mad at God. He doesn’t want it for me…He has something better…something spectacular for me. So I start…up the hill to get where God is calling me. just over the crest of the hill where the sky meets the grass…I will get there and be at the next level. The Glory that has only another Glory after that…Glory to Glory! The road to the celestial city! I can’t wait…finally all my work, discipline…faithfulness pays off! Then it comes…I scream…shriek. Not again! Not this time! Then…just as quickly…I welcome with open arms…the warm comfort like a sparkler on the fourth of July. Lighting up your little world as bright burning bits of sulfur jump in all directions. Then it is gone and you watch the dying ember and wisp of smoke with fading smiles…until you are left panting…smothered by the dark sultry summer night air…a crusty, ashen piece of wire between your fingers…alone. (Genesis 4)